From Him to Me

The following is a post from him to me on his myspace. After three years of me telling him what I needed in a realtionship, what I needed from him and wanted from him and constantly being denied. And constantly being yelled at for asking questions because I was prying and didn't have any business asking him anything he felt he didn't have to answer. For 3 yeas of coming not 1st, second or third, but usually last. I finally muster up everything I have to hold my head up high and leave and he is angry at me! Angry at me for not talking to him anymore. For finally giving him exactly what he wanted when we were together...freedom, for giving him the space he needs with his friends and rookmmates that he now hates, but whom he stuck up for when they were busy destroying our relationship...he is angry at me.
Did he try to make ammends with me. Yes! But sometimes the best ammends we can make is to move on. To not be selfish in our own need to heal. I am not angry. I do not have time for anger. I am sick and I have decided to focus on much more important things in life. To surround myself with people who are happy and not gossiping all the time. I have cut the choas out of my life from you to family memebers but you are so caught up in your own hurt thinking that i would never leave you to even think that I am capable of taking care of myself.
I never said that he wasn't there for me or my kids. There were good times, and those were the times that I tried to hold onto for as long as I held onto the relationship, but there comes a point when it just becomes insanity. It wasn;t good for me or him and certainly not my children. His ability to judge me and my family to this day, while putting himslef on a pedestle for all the good things he did just reminds me of why I left. Perfect DJ in an imperfect world. If only everyone else would behave the way that he wants them to behave things would then be alright. Control issues.
I did let other influence me, you gave me no reason not to and when I asked questions, you yelled at me and shut down. Is that my fault. I think not. I am convinced this will never get better. I did look at my part. My part was that I refused to see the truth that I expected more from you than you were willing to give. I expected in a partner someone who would love me as I was, not try to change me, not try to make me live the way they lived or do the things they wanted me to do. I n eeded someone who could tell me it was going to be ok. I needed someone who would ask if I was ok, who actually knew before I told them that something was wrong and I needed a companion. I was denied.
You can justify your actions until you are blue in the face. I dont have to do that today because I am to busy standing in my truth in that I am a free woman making choices for me and my children today that are uneffected by people in my life and my surroundings, because when I left you, I left all those people who I let control me my whole life. I started standing up to people who guilted me into doing things for them and taking care of them all the time. Yes, I stood up to my dad and things are much different around here than they used to be. What I needed was someone who wanted and would take care of me once in awhile.
I still get overwhelmed to the point of almost giving up, the point is....I don't give up. I stand on my own two feet and I move forward and I hold on for dear life because I know damn well that noo one is going to save me. I surround myself with a few key people who I know I can trust. People you would never trust, and never hang around with.
I am sorry that you realized to late that what I had said all alonog was true. I loved you more and better than anyone ever would I told you back then that no one was going to put up with the things that I put up with. Did you do good things for me? Yes! Did I love you? Yes. In the end did the bad out weight the good? Yes! You are right. I was on a road to self destruction as I continually let people comtrol my life back then. I changed it.
Life is full of ups and downs. Your anger at me is getting you no where and will eventually get you in trouble. I am sorry if my decision to finally move on has hurt you. It hurt me to, but it had to be done.
I attempted to make amends with you, but you didn’t accept my invitation. What happened to you? Where is your anger coming from? You say it’s from me, but it has been there since I have known you. You let others influence you in believing something that wasn’t true. I too am guilty of that one and I am sorry for not believing you. You became the person you said I was, focusing on the negative, not seeing the good, and convincing yourself this will never get better. By refusing to look at your part, you stuffed the truth, believed a lie, and became angrier. That anger fueled you to a point of giving up on us and loosing your faith in me.
I have always tried (to the best of my ability) to be there for you and your children. Right from the very beginning, I was the one there with you when you ended up in the hospital. I was the one who was there for you, when your own family wasn’t. I was the one who came to visit and stood by you while you screamed at me to go. I was there with you when you struggled. I was the one who was there for you when you would wake up with nightmares and couldn’t sleep. I was the one listening on the other end of the phone on many nights. I was the one who came over and saw you through it. I was the one who was there with you for your children. I was the one who showed up, on more than one occasion, at the children's doctors office to be with you and them, when their own father didn't. I was the one with you at the dentist office. I was the one who went with you and your children to register them into their new classes and meet their new teachers. I was the one who went with you to doctor visits and testing, until my new job came along. I was the one who always went with you to the kid’s school musicals, dance recitals, and their soccer games on weekends. Lets not forgot, dressing up, and going out with them on Halloween night. I was the one helping you hold it all together when you were about to fall apart, on some occasions, like planning the triplet's big Birthday parties, (which by the way you always did a great job at.) How can you call me selfish?
I was the one who always stood by you when you felt so overwhelmed to a point of giving up. I was the one who would try to help you to remain calm and regain your composure. Sometimes however, that became impossible when you became uncontrollable. The more I tried to calm you down the worse you got. At that point, I felt the only thing to do is leave and then you would cry. However, I always returned and always apologized.
I believe you let your family influence you in our relationship for the fear of loosing their love. I tried (to the best of my ability) to help you with your children until your father stepped in dictating differently, telling me: “You are not to get involved with these children, they are not your kids and you are not their father. They have a father. Besides, I already told her, if she has problems with them she is to call me, not you, got that.”
I remember that day as if it were yesterday. That day, I felt very sad as you allowed him to talk down to me in front of you and your children in your home. I remember seeing the fearful look on your face, as you stood there in silence like nothing was wrong. When in fact your children were now being exposed to what you had to see and hear your whole life. That's the stuff I pray you discover and work on to help free you from that anger. Remember, they are the ones who have no program and react out of fear, of anything and anyone who is a threat between them and you. I became their threat, and over time, you allowed their threat to become yours. You can't fix them, only yourself.
I am sad because you wrote in your recovery blog that I’m a selfish man. I’m sad because I need you in my life and you made a decision that not speaking to me is the answer to your troubles. I’m sad because I don’t like where I live and I had dreams for us, and you took that away. If only you hung in there. I am sad because the hard part of school is now over and I am taking the next steps towards reaching my goal, and you are no longer there to share with, the joy of my accomplishments. I am sad because I too am not there to share in, the joy of you and your children's accomplishments. I am sad because I have a lot to talk to you about. I am sad because you are physically sick and I want to be there for you, yet, you deny me of that. I’m sad because I never gave up on you. Even when we were apart, I never gave up believing in you. I hurt because I believe that we were strong enough to work through our troubles and in one flash, you told me to consider myself dead to you, and your children. I guess the only thing I can do now is take this time to thank you and move on.
Thank you for three of the best years of my Recovery. Thank you for showing me how to love. Thank you for all your guidance and support in helping me to believe in myself. It is because of you, my goals have changed and my dream is real. However, I will always miss you and your children being a part of that dream. I just wish you had held on to your faith in me and didn’t give up believing in us. When you walked away from faith, you focused on lies and walked away from us. You and your children will always have a place in my heart. I have let you walk away in peace like you wanted. I hope now, you are Truly Happy.
Love Always,
ME

Another day

Its been three years since I did my last A.W.O.L., I can't believe it's been so long. I decided to do another one not to long ago. My breakup made me realize that it was time to focus on me again for a change instead of everyone it. Me time is necessary time, however it is time that I easily remember to forget because helping others gets me out of my own stuff. We can't do that for too long though because it is necessary totake care of ourselves in order that we be able to help others.

A.W.O.L.'s around here start in September and go 28-32 weeks depending on how well people do the work necessary to proceed as a group. The last time I did this, we had what I thought was a pretty good sized group and this year we have 30 something people from all over. It's nice to see some old faces and a lot of new ones. Especially some faces from my childhood that I was amazed to see, never thought I'd see, but none the less was glad to see.

Anyway, aside from the AWOL, things are going really really well in my life. I am dealing with my feelings, standing on my own feet and trusting God when I am feeling overwhelmed. I am happy with my progress and am feeling confident in my decision to leave the relationship that was for such a long time over, I just didn't know how to let go. I learned a lot of really good lessons over the pasat three years. Some very hard, some easy. I don't regret the time that I spent with him, only wish that I had the sense to leave instead of believing that things would change and expecting them to. It was fair to him or me. Me....that's an important point. For those of you who don't know me, I probably sound very selfish, but for those who have read my blog over the years, know that taking care of me is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can stand up to anyone for anyone but me. Learning to love me has been extremely hard and I am only just beginning.

I finally learned how to hold my head up and say what I want and need. I finally learned how to set boundaries and leave when they were continually being crossed. I finally learned that I am worth something and cared enough to do something about it. I am happy, joyous and free.
Some things have been done and said in the last few weeks to make me engage in conversation or confrontation with him and yet, I have not. I have held on even when I wanted not to and not engaged so that eventually he will let me walk away in peace.

I am proud of myself. Knowing that even though it isn;t easy sometimes. I am doing the right thing.

continued from below again :) 4 years sober

So I was asked why stay? Like I said, I was afraid of what comes next. Years of physical abuse, then years of emotional abuse....what's next. I justified staying in that relationship because I truly loved him, but also because I was afraid, am afraid....what's next. The answer brings me back to the picture below and the 1st post of this three part thread.

What's next is life. Actually living it, not being afraid of it. Sharing it with my girls, my friends and the people around me. I learned something on my vacation with God. I learned that I am just a small small piece of this universe. Even so, I can make a difference. When I walked by people, I smiled and said hello. I gave a Korean girl 50 cents she needed to cross the border so she wouldn't have to get 5 dollars in quarters. I took photos of an Indian family so that they could all be in the same picture....then they took mine. I walked 50 miles in three days at my own pace wihtout having to worry about where I was going or when to eat or what time I wanted to go to bed. I danced in Niagra Falls State Park in broad daylight just because I wanted to and there wasn't any music. I called my friends and shared my joy with them. I lived....because today I am clean and sober and still willing to learn. ..These are my gifts of sobriety.

Continued from below

Another lesson I learned in the past couple of weeks, is that there is always someone who knows what you are going through, and there is always someone who you can help. Sharing your pain with others, lets people know that you are hurting, that you are not ok and it allows others to reach out and in their reaching out, the load is lightened, your feelings validated, and you have someone to call you on your crap when you are out of line as well....if you are willing to listen. I have leaned and listened and vented. I have shed tears and hugs with people that I never thought I would let see me cry and I found out....they understood. I needed that.

Over the last 4 months, I have opened my eyes to the fact that I am a woman of dignity and honor. I deserve good things, I am a good person and I have tuned into who I am and what things are important to me. I am not willing to settle for less anymore and as I was told by a close friend the other day, set the boundary to how I want to be treated early and do not stray from that. I am not one of those high maintenance girls, the things I want in a relationship are simple things.....a companion to share my joys and fears with, someone to tell me everythings going to be ok when I'm not sure they will be, and someone to ask me if I am ok when they are not sure. Simple things.....not dinner and certainly nothing that requires money, just those 3 things...anything else s a bonus.

I was asked why I had not left this relationship yet, was I afraid to be alone? The answer was no, I am not afriad to be alone, I am afraid what comes next. I spent many years prior to this relationship, in physically abusive ones, and I spent the last three years with a man who is very self centered, everyting was about how he didn't have time and he was busy and this and that. In the end what I got was 2 hours one night a week and One overnight on Saturday in which he would leave Sunday morning. Most of that time was spent walking on eggshells and wondering if I or my kids would do something to upset him or let him down which we usually did he would tell me how to fix it and leave. Last Friday it took 3 minutes and 45 seconds on a phone call for him to put me in tears.

4 Amazing Years

Today marks 4 years to the day that I took my last drink and used my last drug. I came home from work today and when I pulled in the driveway, there was a sign made by my children taped to the door that said, "Happy 4 Years Mom!" I came in the house and they had 4 candles lit and each of them made a sign telling me how proud they were of me and my oldest wrote me a poem. She never thought I would be able to quit and to tell you the truth neither did I, but today I knew without a doubt, I had made ammends to my girls.

It has been a crazy couple of months, I haven't written since just before graduation in May, and a lot has happened since then. Some good, some bad, but all have provided me with lessons that I have learned.....sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I took this picture on Thursday from Rainbow Bridge in Canada, for those who don't know, it is the bridge that connects the United States to Canada and you can walk across it if you so choose. I did, three times in three days. Why? Funny story actually, but the long and short of it is that I was supposed to go on vacation with someone, but God and I went on vacation instead, and it was AMAZING!

Actually it was one of the lessons I learned. I had never up until Tuesday been anywhere, ever by myself because of fear, but I had paid for this vacation to Niagra Falls and things didn't work out with my travel partner, so that meant either let the whole vacation go to waste, or go by myself. So I said a prayer late Monday night, a prayer that would bring me peace from the relationship I had just ended and a prayer that would let me know whether I should go on this vacation alone or not. I woke Tuesday morning with a total sense of peace, and I knew right then at 4 am I would be going not alone, but with God. I learned that I am never alone and I can do anything as long as I have faith. More later.....

amazing what sobriety can do

I am full of mixed emotions right now. Per usual I have a boat lod of stuff going on, and while it is difficult, I am still full of gratitude because only by being clean and sober could my life be so full.

I'm graduating May 17th and the past couple of weeks have been amazing. I won a scholarship from the Mass woomen in Public Higher education , it is a scholarship for women who have overcome obstacles to go back to school and I was invivted to their luncheon 2 weeks ago to tell my story. It was an amazing day, surrounded by just women who have great jobs . I was scared to go and tell my story in public, to earth people no doubt, but I took a deep breath and shared where Ive come from and where I am now. We all cried and I got a standing ovation.

Last frinday I was asked by my college to speak on behalf of the school and other students there at Legislature day. All of the Mass Reps were there and again I shared my story and told them what going back to school at N.E.C.C. has meant to me, the benefits of a community college and all of the programs that they have to offer there. I met some pretty interesting people and when I was done, the President of the college thought he would surprise me by letting me know that I was chosen to give this years commencement speach. I almost feel over. What the heck am I going to say. I have no idea what to write. and I am running out of time.

So thats the question of the day, If you had to give a commencement speech what would you say???

Ta Ta

When in doubt, lean on the old timers :)

Last night I decided to hit a meeting that I went to when I first got clean and sober. It's literally 1/4 mile from my house. Back when I used to go there faithfully, it was a huge meeting, very clicky and people were alwas arguing about how things should be done. So I left. After the week I had, and Im still not sure whats going on with me, but I know it is growth because I can see and feel a lot of change going on, I decided to stop in down there. That meeting that used to be huge is now composed of about 12 old timers and I felt like I was home.

I listened as a man shared and then we continued round robin style. I heard so many good things, I just didn't know where to start. I was comfortable though, because I knew each and everyone of them and got 12 hugs when I walked in. What a gift. So, I started with, "The past couple of weeks have been pretty busy and a little crazy, so I've been hitting extra meetings. My emotions are up and down, I find myself in tears quite a bit and Im not sure why, and I feel like right now I am clean and sober, but out of my mind. They laughed (I guess they identified).

I went on to say how truly grateful I am that I knew I could find a meeting where the old timers were sure to be. They laughed (I guess they could identify). Im grateful that my first two years of college are coming to an end, but nervous at the same time as I have a million years left and two more schools to go to. And I shared my joy in that last week I was nominated to give the commencement speech at closing ceremony for college. They cheered, I cried.

Who would have thought that this once alcoholic and addict would go back to school, graduate suma cum laude in dial majors and be nominated to give a speech that encourages people to go forth and give all they have. To believe in themselves. What a gift, a huge gift. I never would have believed this could happened if someone told me that one day it would. What a joy to share with my children and my family, all of whom I had hurt and walked away from for so many years of my life, all of whom I could not love because I didn't, all of whom I wouldn't let in to help me, yet when I was ready, they welcomed me home, helped me, encouraged me, babysat for me so I could go to college and cheered me on when I needed it most. These are the promises and I am so grateful that last night the oldest drunks in my life were there, laughing, crying, hugging me, and cheering me on.

Since When do we teach prison and booze

Ok it's vent time. I've been hitting extra meetings lately because I let my circle of friends get to small. How did I do that you ask? Well, I got comfortable. I got comfortable with the people I knew and know and stopped reaching out to others. I justified it by, life is busy, I am working on my sobriety, blah blah blah. Working through my own crap. Yah well, the problem with that is your own crap seems to get better a lot quicker when you are reaching out, helping others, and sharing the message. I don't know how or why, I only know that my circle of friends got really small because for some reason, a crap load of people in both programs have relapsed over the past 6 months or so. Some have made it back, some have died, some I don't know where they are, but what I do know is that I needed to reach out to others, new and old. So for me it meant more meetings and coming out of my comfort zone..

Ok, the vent part. The last two days, I actually left a meeting feeling worse than when I showed up. I wont get into yesterday because that's yesterday, but todays meeting went a little something like this.....We read a chapter from the big book. It is about the person who got sober in prison, great story, lots of ESH. When the reading is done, we discuss it. So someone raises their hand and talks about prison and how they would like to do commitments there to give back what they received. The next person goes on about prison, the next person talks about someone in prison. Next thing I know the chairperson and all these people are cross talking and arguing about prison. The final straw is the chairperson, who is an old timer and should know better states telling us all how he used to make booze, all the steps to do it and I am nearly falling over, totally speechless because this is happening. I didn't even know what to say to make it stop. Thank God for another old timer who basically told everyone to shut up and get back to the topic. This worked for about 10 seconds. My head was pounding. I was having an anxiety attack from the arguing and the fact that someone actually went through the process of telling us how to make home brew and then the old timer finally stopped and there was silence....

Next I hear, "April, want to say something?" I'm saying to myself NO!!!! I just want to go home, my heart is pounding, my head is killing and I can't believe this is a meeting. But out of my mouth comes....Hi I'm April, I'm an alcoholic...(head says...stop). I go on to say that I'd like to get back to basics. What I read today and head today reiterates that I suffer from a three fold disease, that affects me spiritually, mentally and physically. And it doesn't matter to me who went to jail, who didn't, who drank with who, how much, where and when, what matters to me is staying sober another day. I know that the answers on how to do this are in the Big Book. In fact, the answers are in the word I just said. H.O.W. What I want to know is How it happened, what happened to you, and why, what were your experiences...Get HONEST, next we need to be OPEN MINDED enough to sit here and listen, what is the message, not the mess, like I had to sit here to today and be open minded enough to not walk out of the room when every once of me wanted to, and finally, we have to be WILLING, to do the work, get a sponsor, take suggestions, work the steps, find God. and when we can successfully incorporate these things into our lives, I know that today we will stay sober. After all, that is what we are here for, to recover from Alcoholism, to help each other do that and in doing so, we help ourselves. That is what I care about....

Time was up and I was grateful. The promises were read, I said the Lord's Prayer and gave someone a hug before I left. I gave an old timer a ride home and by the grace of God I am still sober today. It's my job to help spread the message, that's why I stayed today. Our meeting contains a lot of newcomers who need guidance through the steps, who need sponsors, who need a higher power and if people keep walking away, soon we will be flooded with meeting that spread the mess instead of the message. Today I am grateful that I know the difference.

Time God and AA

It's been some months since I have posted. I have thought about this blog and writing quite often, Ive actually logged on, looked, thought about typing and then logged off. To much going round and round in my head. In the grand scheme of things, I am good, I am clean and sober still and I have a lot to be grateful for, though sometimes it's easier to think of everything that hurts than everything that is good.

I've been doing some serious work in a lot of areas of my life that need attention. Dealing with things from my past, present and some things that are to come which sounds like projecting, but it is not, it is simply preparing myself and my daughter for court. She is healing well. She is finally going out of the house to play with other kids again without having to have someone stuck to her side. She smiles more often and has begun to let her guard down and I think it all really began to heal for her when I decided to take the kids to the mountains for Christmas. Ill write more about that later.

Something I have been working on is insecurities. Never being good enough and abandonment. I had been working on these for awhile or so I thought, but it wasn't until the other day when the pain got great enough, that I really finally got to the issue and I have to say that finding out why I had so much fear there was more painful than just living with it, but I guess now I can heal as I move through it and work on it. At a very young age, I remember my parents fighting...a lot. I remember that my mother would kick my father out and I would run down he stairs and ask him if I could come with him, and he would tell me that I had to stay with my mom, so all I could do was sit and watch the man I loved walk out the door and wonder if he would ever come back. I would have to stay with my mother, the person that I felt I was never good enough for, and that is when I learned to pretend. Pretend I was ok, pretend I was strong, pretend I didn't care....and if it hurt to the point of tears, I had somehow managed to find a switch to turn the tears off so no one would see me cry. Many times in my life I was told, don't cry, or your shouldn't feel this way or that way and so I learned not to feel. When I found booze and drugs, that task became quite easy.

Here I am at 36, 3 1/2 years clean and sober and full of emotions that sometimes I dont know where they come from and sometimes I certainly dont know how to deal with them, and as a result of my youth, I have always gravitiated towards people who have the same set of rules....can't deal with emotions, push you away when you have them, don't want you to feel a certain way and get mad when you don't say something exactly the right way to explain how you are feeling.....More pain.

I've spent a lot of time as of late with my therapist, my sponsor (on the phone) and my new found friend which used to be an enemy. These are the people who listen and understand, who let me be me, who offer advice and don't push me away.

What have I learned....1. this disease sucks, I hate it and I hate that it was available to use as a crutch to get through life 2. I am human and if I cry for the next 10 years, I will still have 6 more to cry if I want to because I drank for 19 and cried during none of them 3. It is ok to feel what I feel 4. That learning where your pain comes from is more painful but getting to the root of the problem allows you to heal, so embrace the pain. 5. Time, God and AA are the answers to most of my problems today.

Obviously since I havent written for months I have a lot more to say, and I hope to get back here later today to write more as writing for me is healing, but I have to go to the doctors now, so I must say goodbye.